18 going on 19.

Hey, guess what? It’s just few days away till my 19th birthday. Yeah, I know right - 19?

Well, I do think it’s time for to step up from 18 to 19. I think I definitely pass the 18th stage of my life. 19, bring it on!

Let’s have a quick recap on my 18 year old self. Hmm.. I was surely still such a clueless girl who’s always said by people that I was too young to be in college at that age. Nevertheless, I didn't care because I just wanted to get out of school as soon as I could so that I could start doing and learning what I love and have greater interest

s in. Anyone who’d ask me if I’d wish I could experience high school life, yes, I missed that part and want to have memories of it, but also, I have never had regrets on that too. I guess it was also because I was really focused on getting into what I was passionate about. Is what I was passionate about still my passion now? Not quite. Heck, I’m just an ordinary human being like anyone else, I change, people change. Anyways, in this entire year, I went through a lot. Not trying to pity myself here. I want to share this as the things I had to go through just made me who I am today, even I am too overwhelmed at myself when realising the changes.

What were the main events in my 18 year-old life that might’ve changed me - lets just say it as, “it made me grow better”?

1. My father cheated on my mother. Subconsciously, this teared and destroyed every single part of me, slowly and unknowingly. I was always putting my best, strongest self when going through this phase, although I was the entire opposite. But, I did not want to seem weak. I wanted to keep my strength so that I could move on with life from it and make life better for my brother and mother. Other than that, I was so angry. I was so sad, mad, and broken. I blamed it on my mother mostly. I am deeply sorry f

or that. I blamed her because I felt like I could’ve handled the situation better if I were her. I blamed her because of the mistakes she made in that past with him. I even blamed her for marrying my father in the first place when the bad signs were telling her. I am sorry though. I know my mother loves me and my brother very much and she went through such pain an

d uneasy life, having to face my emotionally unstable father. I now know and can finally understand and forgive her. My brother, he was one utterly optimistic person. Sometimes my mom and I are scared of him for being to kind and optimistic because the world is filled with cruel people that he saw otherwise. He was giving chances to our father for so many times, and for so many times he got hurt because of it. I couldn't bare to see him like that, my brother is the kind of person who’d keep all his emotions in him and eventually at some point it would explode. But, he has become a wiser person. We both have gotten more closer to each other too. My father leaving us was not entirely a nightmare as he was barely a fully loving man to my mom, brother and me. I am not going to mention the details, as to still being respectful. I honestly miss the good part of my father. I was apparently closer to him than I ever was with my mother. Now, I just think I am going to stop here with this. I just can’t go on further. (sorry guys.)

2. My internship. It was a 3-month internship at

a magazine brand in Indonesia. It was a regular 3 hour drive from home to work. For an 18 year-old, I guess I was not mentally ready. The whole thing was unexpectedly crazy. I was a fashion reporter, which I had to attend events sponsored by the magazine or attend as one of the medias of the event, I had to live report through Instagram and make the suitable caption with my supervisor’s approval. Then, I had to return borrowed clothes, help out with photoshoot activities, served the guests on the photoshoot, also, I still had work to finish for publishing deadlines. It was hectic. The worse part was that I was entirely alone and lonely. I tried to talk to some people there but, I guess they have this typical mind-set towards i

nterns. They have this “don’t fuck this up” face and a “no, we won’t make it easy on you” types. Now, that was not my entire 3-month life. I still had classes on my campus, yet, still had projects too. In fact, it was our final graduation project, which we had to build up a fashion brand and create all the elements of a brand; photoshoot to catalogs to finance to technical drawings to many other else. I was furious. But that final project was something I really enjoyed doing. Maybe because it’s my own brand of products I personally like. It was a beachwear brand. All those topicals and such, oh, and I designed my own fabric prints for the bikini wears. That gave me huge joy when the fabric had arrived from Australia. I was so happy having your own design come to life like that. Anyways, my internship was going as it was and since I was not even looked at, I became less motivated in coming to work. I would call in sick or excused myself saying I had campus matters, and all other excuses I could possibly make. I just could not bare the work environment and people there. And yet again, thi

s was because I was also not mature enough. I realised around recently that it was the reality work life. I learnt and understood that now. Therefore, I try to practice being professional while I’m still in school. Hope I could be better and improve myself more.

3. Moving in to Singapore. Now this is such a huge thing. Though I have always been so impatient to get out of my hometown, I was glad yet scared to finally live on my own. I was this one scared person of the little things. I never dared to get out to go travel and explore the city by myself. But now, I am way over the top with that. Still, just sometimes, I would be scared when I get on a bus and miss a stop. But I figured that these things are part of life. It’s not like I’d die or anything. I guess that now, I am more brave than before. Another thing, friendship. I learnt a lot when moving in. I was always too attached to that friend and not be open to another. I was quite lonely too in the fi

rst 3 to 4 weeks in Singapore. Eventually, I met some great new friends who’d change my life, helped me grow, and are the people who now mean a lot to me. It is very nice to finally have this kind of friendship. I was low-key always praying for this kind of friendship. I love them.

4. First love. I fell in love in this city. Unexpectedly. This was a prayer answered and granted by God for me. I prayed and prayed to have someone I could pour my love to and to have an experience of what it’s like to be in a relationship. All of it all was granted to me. Had my first kiss. I had not only a guy I really like, but also such a great friend too. Though it was not how it was suppose to go, I cherish the moments and times I’ve spent every second with him. Forever will be in my heart. For the

very first time, I felt loved by the person I really like. That is something I will forever be grateful of no matter what happen after, the good times stays that way. What happened in Singapore stays as wonderful as it is.

5. The smallest opportunities. I have become more of a opportunity hunter. Lol I know. But, I need it. I need to get anything that can be put into my portfolio for my career. I can be

ambitious too sometimes, just not all the time. I learnt a lot from every job experiences I volunteered for.

So, those are the 5 major events in my 18 year-young life that have impact me as a person. I am truly looking forward to experiencing more out of life in this new age. I hope the road will not be too rough and I hope that the journey will be smooth and gentle.

What my plan is on my birthday? I guess you’ll have to wait till my next blog post ;)

Stay tuned!

Oh and, Happy belated Valentines Day! & also , Happy Lunar New Year!