Great Frustration

What am I supposed to do?

I am utterly lost. Lost in this beautiful field land of love. Is this love so attached to me just because it is my first real love?

Is it something that is worth all my tears in my nights? Will it be worth all the pain in me I’ve been holding on to since the past 3 months? Must I keep up my strength in this? Keep up my faith in this? Keep believing in something that seem so uncertain? Keep this frustration of having to miss his presence every single second of my life?

I thought I am so drained and exhausted because of college work and projects. However, I came to realise that it was me, only my own heart, soul and mind that drains me. It slowly destroys the good, pure, cheerful part of me. I can’t laugh without feeling so partly fake, recently. I can’t be completely joyful in the entire day, like I would always be. I can’t help but to imagine and to wish he’s there with me by my side whenever I sit alone in the open air.

When would we meet again? When would be the time when we can no longer part from one another? When can I spend my life getting to know him in person and share, experience this life together. He is a friend. A special, more-than- just a friend - who is thousand miles away from me, never knowing how or when we are going to make this work.

As for me, I surely don't understand how this goes. I am not entirely sure of what this relationship is! I need to know! I need to understand! I need something to make me believe his words he said! I can’t accept these sweet talks just through a digitally typed text. I need him to prove it! I need to hear it right from his own voice. If he really want to fight for this like he said he would, he must have had the eagerness to find a way to show it to me. Apparently, he have not. Which is what devastates me that each night I hoped to have him call me. Also, never happened since Christmas Eve.

I tried to test myself to see if I was able to like another man. I could not. My heart is still his. I am too deeply in love with him. But, how could I possibly be in love with someone who’s only had spent weeks with me, physically. Am I confusing love with something else? As I said again, I am lost. However, I can't and will not give this up until a second chance has been given.

What I know and truly believe is that he is a good good friend. I long to have a second chance for us to reunite and have a more permanent relationship in person together. But, I can’t ask myself to sacrifice anything right now to have that come true. Because I don’t even know if it is certain. Especially when I’m not quite of a fortunate person. Neither is he. Opportunity cost is always the weighing tool when it comes to spending on big investments, like travelling. I have had plans to travel to Germany. Not only for him, but also for travel. But, of course, he is the main reason. Something to always have me consider is that I don't want to hurt myself even more later on when things does not go well with him in the future and that I would end up regretting the trip that has most of its memories spent with him. Otherwise, will it be worth the risk?

Too many doubts and wonders here and there. No body can help with this except myself. Anyone can tell me what I should do, but in the end, it is back to me to make the decisions. Despite, the only one person I can always count on is God. He has put me into this roller coaster ride in which I am not blaming him for. In fact, I am more grateful that He did, as I believe that He has a particular purpose for me, for a brighter future for me. I believe this is just the stage of building up the strong foundation in me to prepare what’s to come in the future. I will be stronger and better.